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Family and friends can be a tremendous encouragement and
provide needed support when remarrying. They can also be the source
of much aggrivation, pain, and even threaten your newfound primary relationship.
In fact, they can sometimes be downright brutal.
Children, parents, siblings, other relatives, and long-term
best friends were impacted by the breakup of your marriage. Depending
on the nature of your situation and the circumstances involved, the healing
they need will take time. Should you decide to "recouple," some will
be very supportive, some will have a casual "wait-and-see" attitude, some
may even be disapproving. In fact, some might even be openly hostile.
It can be a very mixed bag when trying to rally those you love to accept
the one you now love best. |
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The Children...
Three of my four children were already grown up when our
breakup occurred. The assumption that all of them would respond or
react the same way never crossed my mind. I knew better. Each
is an independent being with his/her own mind and that is the way we raised
them. True to form, their responses to my decision to remarry were
equally varied.
Upon meeting my fiance', the response was both positive
and very encouraging. However, each one was obviously dealing with
it in a different way. Their parents broke up five years ago.
Now, Dad was introducing them to the woman who would soon be his wife.
They handled the first meeting with maturity, respect for me, and varying
degrees of acceptance of her.
However, it does not always go that well.
The horror stories regading children who completely
reject and even oppose their parent(s) who remarry are common. The
factors that motivate this kind of behaviour are many and varied; from
those who blame one parent more than the other for the divorce to others
who are used as pawns by ex-mates to aggrivate and frustrate the new step-parent.
Whether or not you make any headway with a disapproving
child will depend upon the kind of relationship both of you share and how
you handle it. Should you have been anything less than a good parent,
it will be difficult, if not impossible to ever gain their approval.
Conversely, those who have maintained a close relationship have a much
better chance of doing so. Furthermore, demanding that a son or daughter
accept your new mate is probably not going to work. Asking them to
meet your new love should also include some one-to-one time where you share
your heart and let them know that their acceptance/approval means a lot
to you.
However, regardless of how your children respond, the
bottom line is that your commitment to the person you decide to marry overrides
their opinion. If you are a parent who has determined that your children
will be the deciding factor regarding whether or not you will remarry,
then you might consider how fair that is to a perspective mate and whether
or not you are really ready for a committed long-term relationship. |
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The Relatives...
Parents can be a blessing or a curse. Accepting
a child's second husband or wife will depend on how they relate to you,
feel about your ex, and several other factors that vary from situation
to situation. Then, of course, there are your siblings, uncles, aunts,
grandparents, and any number of cousins. Usually, these are people
whom we love and want to be a part of our lives. The hope is that
they will not only accept our newfound love, but support us in our decision
to remarry.
Sometimes it just doesn't happen.
Most of the time, their response will depend upon how
they have always related to you. Of course, it is entirely reasonable
for them to verbalize some concerns if they sense that you might be making
a mistake. However, those who do so in a rude, argumentative, forced,
or even hostile way are definitely out of line. Family members who
truly love each other also show respect and support, regardless of their
personal feelings.
Again, you will need to decide how much sway these people
have over your love life. Talk to them. Ask for their support.
Listen to their concerns (if any). Nevertheless, the decision is
yours to make. In time, those who are not so accepting may change
their minds. As for those who alienate or step away from whatever
previous relationship they had with you, perhaps it is best. No relative
should have the right or the power to determine who you should love and
want to marry.
The relatives who value you will also value the one with
whom you choose to marry. Count on it. |
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The Friends...
Those who divorce will almost instantaneously notice
that they have lost some friends. Some of them were closer to their
ex'es, so those were written off rather quickly--if not immediately.
Also, mixing with couples who were once a regular part of one's social
life becomes a challenge when single again. In some cases, you may
even be considered a threat.
The good news is that a new mate usually comes with
friends attached, not to mention children and relatives of their own.
Being open to accepting their other relationships should be a fair and
reasonable consideration. In fact, your social structure could be
significantly expanded.
The point of this article is a simple one. One has
to make choices in life. Should you determine to follow through with
your commitment to your current love, then those who oppose it will have
to decide how they want to handle it as well. Should they take a
wait-and-see attitude, then fine. If all goes as it should, they
will come around again. However, if they decide to alienate you,
then you'll need to determine who is more important; family, friends, foes
or the one you love best? |
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© all rights reserved - 2./24/2004
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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