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After almost six years of being separated and then divorced
(otherwise, single again), being able to control my own finances had given
me a major sense of freedom. However, since my marriage had lasted
some thirty-plus years, having to pay spousal support (almost a third of
my income) had made me even more sensitive to the need to financially protect
myself.
At first, it was a matter of survival. I still have
a boxed pair of shoes that I wore during that first year--the only real
good pair of shoes that I could wear to work. The soles had split
but I could not afford to buy another pair at the time. Whenever
it rained, my socks got soaked. I would sit down at my computer workstation
at work, take off my shoes, and let them dry before my first break.
If it was not for a promotion to management that came just one year into
our separation, I would have had to move in to a YMCA and live an even
more Spartan lifestyle. The promotion started me back on my way to
financial stability.
Needless to say, the lessons learned through those lean
years only hardened my resolve to never, ever again be so destitute. I
would retain control of my own income from now on and no one would ever
pursuade me otherwise. |
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My attitude regarding finances is very common amongst
divorced people. Most of us have either had much and lost it all
as a result of divorce. Others never really had any control of the
finances and divorce freed them to finally be able to become liberated
from the control of their ex-mates. Either way, the freedom to determine
ones own financial lifestyle, even if it is an economical one, is a very
liberating thing. No one is going to give it all up should they get
married again.
I sure wasn't going to do it; neither was Marilyn.
After a long marriage (as many years as myself) to a very
controlling man, her financial freedom was one of the real takeaways from
her divorce. Her ex-husband had made it very clear that she would
not be able to make it on her own. When I found her, she had a very
good job, had purchased a bi-level home, had it completely furnished, and
was living a nice middle-classed lifestyle. She was happy, independent,
and free! So, was she willing to give up her financial freedom because
she married me?
Not!
Neither was I?
Then, when you consider that one of the top two reasons
why married couples divorce has to do with finances, the topic becomes
extremely important if you are going to stay happily married the second
time around. |
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We talked it over. Our solution was simple.
We each pay half of all our living expenses from the house mortgage to
the utility bills; including groceries and cable television. Our
car payments, personal hobby expenses, and whatever else we want to do
with our own money is our own business. After the mutually agreed
upon living expenses are paid, her money belongs to her and my money belongs
to me. It doesn't matter who has more when all is said and done.
We simply split everything down the middle. So far, it works for
us.
Of course, your financial situation may be different so
here are some tips that might help you work out a good plan that will work
for you.
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Talk About It...
Ignoring the discussion is a huge
mistake. You really do have to sit down together and talk it through.
Who is going to pay how much for this and who is going to pay for that
must be agreed upon from the very beginning. Verbalizing it and perhaps
even writing it all down will prevent disagreements down the road and may
even save your relationship. Being in agreement on the subject of
how you work together regarding money is an absolute necessity.
Those who can afford the services
of a good financial planner should do so. Get advise from whatever
resources are available (e.g. books on the subject, the Internet, other
happily married couples, etc.).
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Determine What
is Fair...
In our case, we both make close
to the same income so dividing our expenses down the middle was indeed
an easy solution. Perhaps you make more than your mate. Why
not determine the difference and then put together a plan that is based
on the ratio of income to income for each of you?
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Take Everything
into Consideration...
Divorce can leave one in serious
debt. Allowing a mate a little more freedom to pay off previous
debts should be a consideration. However, it should be understood
that, once the debts are paid off, a renogotiation of how expenses will
be shared will take place.
Children can be another consideration.
If child support payments are a real part of your income, that will help.
Still, you should discuss the expenses that the children incur with your
mate. If eventually sending them to college is part of the plan,
that should be discussed now and not when they are ready to graduate from
high school. Helping to raise step-children is a challenge.
Being expected to pay more than one's fair share to raise them can be a
terrific pressure on a second marriage.
There may be other concerns that
should be considered when determining a shared and fair financial plan.
Discuss them openly and honestly. Whatever you do, do NOT hide anything!
Trust is just as important as any economic consideration. Put everything
on the table and then decide who pays for what and how much. You
will be glad that you did as the years pass by.
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Renegotiating
Your Shared Finances...
Both of you should be willing to
discuss the subject again as your financial situation changes.
If one of you gets a significant job raise or promotion, that could change
how the proportion of living expenses that each pays. Being willing
to pay one's fair share is essential if you are to maintain a good, healthy,
loving relationship.
The warning here is that neither
of you should use your right to renegotiate as a tool to eventually ware
your mate down until he/she is paying more than his/her share. It
may seem that you have successfully manipulated them in to doing so.
Love may be blind but once it is able to see again, it can die very quickly.
That is the risk you are taking when taking such an approach to shared
finances. It may eventually catch up with you and blow up in your
face.
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Planning for
the Future...
What if she has more money than
him; so much so, that she will have a hefty estate to leave behind after
her passing?
What if he has three children to
whom he wants to leave a decent inheritence?
What if he and she equally share
ownership of the mortgage; therefore, have an equal share in the equity--but
one dies and leaves the other behind to either buy out the other's equity
to satisfy the estate or sell the house and move in to something smaller?
The list goes on and on when trying
to develop a sound financial plan to cover any future situations while
considering retirement needs and one's estate goals.
Again, talk about all of it, agree
together, and, better yet, get it all drawn up by an attorney, formalized
as legal documents, and signed by both parties. Not doing so will
only result in a future nightmare and possible damage to other important
relationships that we treasure in our old age.
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Remember, only 30% of second marriages
succeed. The very fact that finances are the second leading cause
of divorce only makes this subject all the more important. Working
together in such a way that both are totally satisfied with whatever financial
plan the two of you determine to follow is an absolute necessity. |
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© all rights reserved - 9/11/2004
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The mission of this not-for-profit website is to promote clear insights
and toleration regarding the many variations of primary relationships that
exist in our world. We ask for neither acceptance or approval but
hope that each visitor who reviews the pages of this site will leave them
with a better understanding of the numerous cultural, historical, preferential,
religious, sexual, and sociological approaches to coupling that have always
existed and will continue to exist as long as there are at least two human
beings living on this planet. If the effort put into creating and
maintaining this site results in others coming to the realization that
the basic human need to love and be loved takes on many forms which are
accepted by those who practice them, whether right or wrong as determined
by the personal belief system of others, then it will have served it's
purpose well. |
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